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TANGLED UP IN BLUE
By Brad Boesen
[Copyright by author. All rights reserved.]
"Such friends as the butcher and beaver became,
Have seldom if ever been known;
In winter or summer, 'twas always the same--
You could never meet either alone"
Hunting of the Snark
--Lewis Carrol
"We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view"
Tangled up in Blue
--Bob Dylan
Characters
A man and woman of approximately equal age
(20's to mid 30's)
Setting
Scene one: A coffee house. Yesterday afternoon
Scene two: Her apartment. Earlier this evening.
Scene three: Her apartment. Later tonight.
Play may be performed with no break,
or with an intermission between scenes 2 and 3.
SCENE ONE
1 A COFFEE SHOP 1
Lights up. He is already seated at
the only table in view. There is a
cup of coffee in front of him, and
another across the table waiting for
She to arrive. Scattered about the
table are a notebook, pen, 2 or 3
books. There’s a backpack hanging
from the back of his chair.)(He is
seated comfortably reading a book
when lights come up. Music is
playing softly in the background-an
old blues recording. Time passes as
He checks his watch, puts down the
book he’s reading, gets another from
his backpack, browses through it,
puts it down, checks his watch, opens
his notebook to write something,
stares at it, closes it when he can’t
think of anything to write, etc...
Finally, She rushes in out of breath
HE
(Obviously glad to see her) Hi!
SHE
I’m sorry.
HE
What?
SHE
I’m late.
HE
No you’re not.
SHE
You said six o’clock.
HE
Around six. You’re fine.
She takes off her jacket and drapes
it over the back of her chair.
Stands still for a moment
SHE
Coffee. (Turns to get it)
HE
I got you some.
SHE
(Turning back) Oh. Great. (Looking over his shoulder
toward the restrooms) Be right back. (Rushes off in
that direction)
He makes room on the table, putting
all but one or two of the books away
in his backpack, stacking the others
on top of the notebook, takes a drink
of coffee as she returns from the
restroom and sits down opposite him
SHE
Hi.
HE
Hi.
SHE
Sorry.
HE
You’re fine.
SHE
(Takes a drink of coffee) Thanks.
HE
You’re welcome.
SHE
(Takes another drink, looks around at the other tables,
which we can’t see, catches him watching her) What?
HE
Nothing. (Takes a drink of his own coffee) Oh! I
brought that book. (Hands her one of the books on the
table)
SHE
(Takes the book, looks at the front and back cover, then
at random pages as she drinks her coffee) Hm. (Closes
it, stacks it with the others, looks around)
HE
You alright?
SHE
Hm? Yeah. I’m sorry.
HE
What’s wrong?
SHE
Nothing.
HE
What’s wrong?
SHE
Nothing. (sees he’s not convinced) Just...him.
HE
Ah.
SHE
It’s nothing. (Trying very hard to be interested, but
still preoccupied) How are you?
HE
What happened?
SHE
Nothing. Really. Really, nothing. You had that thing
today, didn’t you? How was that?
HE
My “thing” is later. What happened? Tell me. What did
he do?
SHE
Nothing.
HE
I bought that coffee, you know.
SHE
And I thank you.
HE
You owe me.
SHE
It’s really...
HE
So you can either sleep with me tonight or tell me what
he did.
SHE
(Laughs) Alright.
HE
Alright what?
SHE
I’ll tell you.
HE
(beat) Ah. (Pause) Well?
SHE
Well...I don’t know...we were in bed last night...
HE
Ohhhh! Oh, god.
SHE
What?
HE
Nothing. Sorry. Dealing with a mental picture here.
(she laughs) More than I needed to know.
SHE
Sorry.
HE
No. Don’t be. You looked great.
SHE
(Smiles) Thank you. Can I go on?
HE
Please.
SHE
We were--together last night...
HE
(Interrupting) Do you do it with the lights on, or off?
(beat) Please say off.
SHE
O.k. Let’s talk about something else.
HE
No, it’s just... I look at you, and I look at him...
SHE
I know, I know. We’ve had this conversation.
HE
He’s a troll.
SHE
He’s not...
HE
He’s worse than a troll. He’s the guy trolls make fun of
in the back of the school bus.
SHE
(laughing) That isn’t funny.
HE
No, it’s sad. Pathetic. A little frightening.
SHE
Will you stop?
HE
I may have mentioned this before...
SHE
(overlapping) Please?
HE
(Continuous with previous line) ...but if my dog had a
face like that...
SHE
Do you want to hear about this or not?
HE
(beat) I’m sorry. Yes. Please. Go on.
SHE
Are you sure?
HE
I’m sure.
SHE
Because you wanted to know.
HE
I know. I did. I do. (She looks at him skeptically)
Really.
SHE
Because this is important. I’ve been obsessing about
this all day.
HE
Obsessing? How unlike you. (She throws a napkin at him
and turns away) Ok, ok, I’m sorry. Go on. Please.
I’ll be good.
SHE
I don’t know why I tell you anything.
HE
I do.
SHE
I’m sure.
HE
I do. I’d explain it to you, but I really want to hear
this story about your sex life.
SHE
It’s not about my sex life.
HE
Ah...So what were you doing in bed?
SHE
Alright, Indirectly it’s about my sex life.
HE
I was hoping one of us had one.
SHE
You’re not going to let me tell this, are you?
HE
What?
SHE
All these little comments.
HE
I’m--making the story last. Living vicariously through
you. I mean, I know you’ve never gone more than a week
of your life without sex, but those of us...
SHE
Oh! God. That reminds me.
HE
What?
SHE
You remember my friend? The one I was telling you about?
HE
More specific, please?
SHE
The artist.
HE
All your friends are artists. You’re an artist.
SHE
We saw some of her stuff last week, at the...
HE
Oh, yes. Right. The three hundred dollar postcard.
SHE
It wasn’t a postcard.
HE
Postcard in a frame. Sorry. That makes it art.
SHE
You’ll want to hear this.
HE
(Apprehensive) What?
SHE
(beat) She said she’s going to seduce you.
(brief pause)
HE
Excuse me?
SHE
She said she...
HE
When did she say that?
SHE
Last night.
(pause)
HE
I’ve never even met this woman.
SHE
I know.
HE
She’s never met me. We’ve never met each other.
SHE
I know.
(brief pause)
HE
Wow. (pause) Well, why would... I don’t even know her.
Why would she...
SHE
(laughing) I told her about you.
HE
You told her about me? What? What did you tell her?
SHE
I don’t know.
HE
How does my name even come up with...
SHE
We were talking. I mentioned you. I talk about you a
lot.
HE
You do?
SHE
Yeah.
HE
Really?
SHE
Yeah.
HE
Wow.
(pause)
SHE
So do you want to meet her?
HE
(simultaneous with ‘want to meet her’) Did she actually
use those words, or was it just something like: “He
sounds nice.” and in your twisted little mind...
SHE
She used the words “I”, “Seduce”, and “Him” - referring
to you. The exact words I don’t know. I wasn’t taking
notes.
HE
(very pleased) Wow.
SHE
Do you want to meet her?
HE
No! No. God, no.
SHE
Why not?
HE
Why not? Well, for one thing, you’ve obviously set up
some huge expectation. What exactly did you tell her?
SHE
I don’t know.
HE
You don’t know.
SHE
I don’t know! It was...
HE
Women just don’t say things like that about me. Whatever
it was, I really wish you’d remember it. And tell
others.
SHE
I was just talking about you. About us. About things we
do. I wasn’t describing you, it was conversation. Oh,
and I gave her that tape you made for me.
HE
Which tape?
SHE
The last one. The one with all the Carly Simon on it.
HE
That was a joke! I hate Carly Simon.
SHE
I know. I told her that. She thought it was funny.
HE
She did?
SHE
She hates Carly Simon too.
HE
(beat) So...from this she decides to seduce me? (she
laughs) What am I missing?
SHE
(laughing) Well, she’ll probably want to get to know you
first. I mean she isn’t going to break into your house
and rip your clothes off. What are you doing tomorrow
night?
HE
I don’t know. Nothing. Why?
SHE
We’ll have dinner. I’ll invite her.
HE
No! No. I said no.
SHE
Why?
HE
Why?
SHE
Why? She’s nice.
HE
She’s nice. She’s a blind date.
SHE
So?
HE
So...Dating is not something I do well...
SHE
It wouldn’t even be a date.
HE
Or enjoy particularly.
SHE
It’s dinner.
HE
Dating...is this excruciating marathon of small talk.
Two people trying to think of cute stories to tell about
themselves for what seems like decades until, finally,
you make it to that nightmare moment when you have to
figure out if you’re supposed to kiss her or just wave as
you sprint to your car and speed home.
SHE
Jesus.
HE
...and lock your door and hide in the closet. (pause)
And that’s with women I know.
SHE
Are you serious?
(pause)
HE
That didn’t sound completely pathetic, did it?
SHE
You really need to get out more.
HE
I get out plenty. I’m out now.
SHE
I mean out. Come on! Tomorrow night. It’ll be great.
HE
Have you heard anything I’ve said?
SHE
If you don’t like her we’ll make up an excuse. You can
leave early. We can have a signal!
HE
Will you let it go? Please? God! A signal? I feel
like I’m in study hall.
SHE
Maybe we...
HE
No!
(pause)
SHE
She was a gymnast in high school.
(brief pause)
HE
Now that’s just mean.
SHE
(laughing) What?
HE
That! Playing on my fantasies? I’m never telling you
anything. Ever again.
SHE
I just thought you might be interested.
HE
Yeah, well, the answer is no.
SHE
You know, the reason you hate dating so much is because
you never do it.
HE
No, I never do it because I hate it so much. I’m not
good at it.
SHE
Well, you’d be better at it if you...
HE
(interrupting) How did this become about me all of a
sudden? Tell me your sex story. Please.
SHE
You don’t want to hear about that.
HE
At this point, yes, I really do want to hear about that.
SHE
You do not! You’re just changing the subject.
(brief pause)
HE
My dearest friend in life is having a crisis; I want to
hear about it. I’m not just changing the subject.
SHE
You are so full of shit.
HE
You know, I hate it when you do that.
SHE
What?
HE
Every time I say I think something, or want to do
something, or...feel a certain way about something, you
contradict me.
SHE
I do not.
HE
Like you know more about how I feel than I do.
SHE
I do not do that. When have I done that?
HE
You’re doing it right now.
SHE
I am not! I’m contradicting a statement. That’s totally
different from what you were talking about.
HE
Fine. You did it before, then, when you said I didn’t
want to hear your story.
SHE
You don’t! You know you don’t!
HE
You see what I’m talking about? God, I hate that! You
always do that.
SHE
I don’t “always” do that. When else have I done that?
HE
Last week. You wanted to go to that movie about the
dogs, but you wouldn’t because you said I didn’t want to
see it. I had to force you to go to a movie that you
wanted to see because you wouldn’t believe...
SHE
(interrupting) And I was right! You hated that movie!
HE
I know! I hate that! God, I hate that.
(pause)
SHE
Let me get this straight. You don’t hate the fact that I
contradict your feelings, you just hate that I’m right
when I do it.
HE
Yes. No! You’re not always right. Like now, for
instance. You come in here, upset about something, I
want to hear about it.
SHE
You do not. (responding to his look. laughing) I’m
sorry, but you don’t. Whenever I start to talk about my
love life, you start to get weird.
HE
I do not.
SHE
You do. It’s like I’m your little sister or something
and you can’t bear to think of me actually having sex.
HE
That’s stupid.
SHE
Stupid, but true.
(brief pause)
HE
Well, what...That’s stupid. What do you mean? What do I
do?
SHE
It’s not a big deal, it’s just...you. It’s what you do.
HE
What? What do I do?
SHE
It’s nothing. Calm down.
HE
You don’t just say something like that about someone and
then...
SHE
God.
HE
What? What do I do?
SHE
It’s nothing. Really. I’m sorry I brought it up. You
just...and it’s not any one thing. It varies. Sometimes
you get real quiet. Sometimes you change the subject a
lot. Sometimes you start joking like tonight.
HE
That...
SHE
...and you only do it when I talk about my love life.
(pause) But... I’m used to it, you know? It’s not a big
deal. It’s cute.
(pause)
HE
Cute.
SHE
Yeah. I never had a big brother.
HE
Great.
(brief pause)
SHE
So, nowwwwww, let’s talk about your love life. Tomorrow
night. Eight o’clock.
HE
What part of “no” do you not understand?
SHE
It’ll be fun. Come on.
HE
God. (pause) If I meet her, and she hates me, and it’s
the worst evening of my life, will you then be happy and
leave me alone?
SHE
Yes.
HE
Well...I live to make you happy.
SHE
You’ll do it?
HE
I guess.
SHE
Really?
HE
Really.
SHE
You’re serious?
HE
I’m serious! Jesus. (she starts to speak) And don’t
ask me again or I’ll change my mind.
(brief pause)
SHE
Wow.
HE
What?
SHE
I just...really never thought you’d go for it. But
great! Great. This’ll be great!
HE
Now you don’t sound so sure.
SHE
No, I’m just...surprised. That’s so great. Look at you!
Coming out of your shell.
HE
I was never in a shell.
SHE
My little boy growing up and dating.
HE
Ok. If you’re through abusing me now, I think I’ll go
home and put my head in the oven.
SHE
Stop it.
HE
(looking at his watch) Oh, shit! I do have to go. I’ve
got the... Shit, I’m late.
SHE
Go.
HE
I’m already late.
SHE
Go.
HE
You were going to tell me about the...
SHE
Go! It’s alright. I was just needlessly obsessing.
Really.
HE
You’re sure?
SHE
I’m sure.
HE
‘Cause I’m already...
SHE
Go!
HE
Alright! (he begins gathering his things) But I did
want to hear about it.
SHE
I know.
HE
you were wrong about that.
SHE
Ok.
HE
You’ll call me later if you get weird?
SHE
Jesus, will you go? Yes! I’ll call if I get weird.
HE
You promise.
SHE
I promise. Go.
HE
Ok. (checks his things) Ok. (turns to go)
SHE
(as he’s leaving) Tomorrow! Eight o’clock. My place.
HE
(stops) Oh, god.
SHE
(smiling) I’ll supply the cute stories about you. (he
turns) Go!
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO
2 THE APARTMENT WHERE SHE LIVES 2
Lights up. The table from scene one
is now her dining room table. Other
furnishings and set dressings have
been added to suggest the change of
venue.
She is offstage as lights come up.
He is busy setting the table with
four place settings. No one else has
arrived yet.
HE
(having already set the plates, he’s now struggling with
a handful of silverware) I can’t believe you talked me
into this.
SHE
(offstage) What?
HE
(shouting) I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS.
SHE
(off) You’ll be great!
HE
(to himself) I’ll be great. I’ll be great. Maybe she
likes drooling, incoherent, violently trembling...
SHE
(off) What?
HE
Is it bad manners to kill yourself with a butter knife on
the first date?
SHE
(off) What?
HE
I mean if I wait till after dinner?
SHE
(entering with a vase of flowers) What are you talking
about?
HE
Nothing. Alternative dating strategies. (he’s still
struggling with the silverware--slams it all down on the
table in frustration) Jesus! Which side does the
goddamned fork go on?
SHE
Calm down.
HE
I am calm! (pause) Believe me. Considering the
situation, for me, this is very calm. (picks up the
silverware again) Serene. (considers the silverware,
then the plates) Fuck it. (haphazardly distributes the
silver on top of each of the four plates) It’ll be like
a party game. You have to eat with what you find on your
plate. (collapses into a chair)
SHE
You are so pathetic.
HE
Thank you.
SHE
Are you gonna be able to do this?
(brief pause)
HE
Well, I have to now, don’t I? Where was this concern
yesterday when I told you I couldn’t do this?
SHE
Have you never been on a date?
HE
Yes. I’ve been on dates. You know I’ve been on dates.
SHE
Then what...
HE
I’ve never enjoyed any of them, but I’ve been on many.
SHE
So...
HE
Most of them first dates, I might add.
SHE
Ok. Look. I told you before, this isn’t a date. (she
sets the flowers on the table)
HE
Wow. Nice flowers.
SHE
It’s dinner.
HE
Did you buy those?
SHE
Four people having dinner. We just happen to be half
male and half female.
HE
Should they be sitting that close to where the food’s
going to be?
SHE
Will you forget about the flowers?
HE
Jesus. I thought I was tense.
SHE
Would you listen to me? Please?
HE
What’s wrong with you?
SHE
(turning away) I’m talking to myself.
HE
I heard you. I’m listening.
SHE
What did I say?
(brief pause)
HE
Lots of important, wise, reassuring things.
SHE
God. (starts into the kitchen)
HE
(stopping her) What? Come on!
SHE
Why do I even try?
HE
I’m nervous, alright? What’s wrong with you? Jesus,
we’ll never get through this if we both go insane.
SHE
I’m fine.
HE
Are you guys still fighting? (sudden, horrified
realization) He is coming, isn’t he?
SHE
Yes.
HE
Are you sure?
SHE
I’m sure.
HE
I can not take a first date with two women. I’m serious
about this.
SHE
He’s coming, alright? (pause) Alright?
HE
Alright.
SHE
Ok.
(pause)
HE
What did you say about half male and half female?
SHE
Never mind.
HE
My god, what does she look like?
SHE
She looks fine. She’s beautiful.
HE
Show me a picture.
SHE
You are so unbelievably shallow.
HE
I just...
SHE
I don’t have a picture.
HE
Why did I let you talk me into this?
SHE
You know, maybe if you weren’t so hung up on looks all
the time...
HE
Oh, right. Just because you’re dating Jo Jo the dog
faced boy...
SHE
Don’t start that again.
the phone rings--both freeze
HE
(after a moment) You see what happens when you start
playing matchmaker?
SHE
The phone. (it rings again)
HE
Our first fight.
SHE
We’re not fighting.
HE
I hate this.
SHE
We’re not...(ring) I better get that.
HE
(simultaneous with ‘I better get that’) Get the phone.
Maybe she’s canceling.
SHE
(into the phone) Hello?
HE
We can forget about dinner and just drink ourselves into
a stupor.
SHE
Where are you?
HE
You do have alcohol?
SHE
Yes, he’s here. We’re both here. We’re waiting for...
HE
(looking around) Do you?
SHE
(to him) Shhhh! (into the phone) Look, I don’t want to
talk about this right now.
HE
(whispering) Is that her?
SHE
We’ll talk about it later.
HE
Tell her I’m sick.
SHE
I’m not going to talk about this now. Dinner is at eight
o’clock, we...Yes...Yes!...
HE
Tell her...
SHE
Fine.
HE
Wait! (she hangs up) What did she say?
SHE
It wasn’t her.
HE
Oh...Oh! You are still fighting.
SHE
No.
HE
Are you alright?
SHE
I’m fine. He just...You know...I really don’t want to
talk about it.
HE
Ok.
SHE
This is your night.
HE
He’s not coming?
SHE
(a little too firmly) Yes! He’s coming! (pause) He’s
coming.
HE
Ok.
SHE
What time is it?
HE
It’s, uh...
SHE
What am I forgetting?
HE
Maybe you should talk about this.
SHE
I really...
HE
I won’t get weird. I promise.
SHE
(smiles) He’s just being a jerk right now, and I’m not
in the mood for it. (brief pause) But he’s coming.
It’s gonna be great. (she grabs his hand--checks his
watch) Ten minutes.
HE
Oh, god. What did she say when you asked her over?
SHE
What do you mean?
HE
I mean, what did she say?
SHE
She said...fine.
HE
Fine?
SHE
Yeah.
HE
Fine?
SHE
Fine. What else is she going to say?
HE
Was she excited? Apprehensive? Did you have to talk her
into it?...Bribe her?
SHE
Where did you get this olympian self image problem?
HE
I just...
SHE
Did your mom strip you naked and make fun of you in front
of dinner guests?
(brief pause)
HE
(sarcastic smile) Only on holidays and special
occasions.
SHE
Seriously, though. You act like you don’t think you’re
worthy of...
HE
No, no, no. No. I think I’m a hell of a catch. I
just...don’t think anyone else thinks so. And it wasn’t
my mother, it was my sister.
SHE
Your sister.
HE
Yes.
SHE
Your sister stripped you naked...
HE
(laughing) Not exactly.
SHE
Then what?
HE
Not physically, anyway.
SHE
What did she do?
HE
Nothing.
SHE
Well, it must have been...
HE
Nothing. It was...nothing. I mean, you know, basic big
sister stuff. I was the annoying little brother, always
hanging around, and she...put me down a lot.
(brief pause)
SHE
Well...get over it.
HE
(dripping sarcasm) Oh my god! I’m all better now.
Thank you, doctor!
SHE
Seriously. My god, how old are you?
HE
I didn’t mean to make it sound like she screwed me up for
life or anything, but if I have a little self image
problem...
SHE
If?
HE
...then she might have had something to do with it.
That’s all. Why isn’t she here yet?
SHE
You’re changing the subject again.
HE
It’s almost eight o’clock. Where is everybody?
SHE
They’ll be here.
HE
Maybe we should get some food out or something.
SHE
Ok. I’ll buy the whole abusive sister-low self esteem
theory.
HE
She wasn’t abusive.
SHE
Whatever. I’ll buy it.
HE
Great.
SHE
I still think you should grow up and get over it...
HE
Was that the doorbell?
SHE
But, you’ve been in situations where you knew that
someone was interested, and you seemed interested in
them, but you still...
HE
Do we have to talk about this right now?
SHE
Yes.
HE
I’m in hell.
SHE
I’m just curious. I want you to be happy. Now shut up.
HE
Yes ma’am
SHE
You break up with these women after just a few dates, and
you can never give me a good reason why.
HE
Your point being?
SHE
My point being...why is that?
HE
Why?...I don’t know. Why does anyone break up?
SHE
For a reason! For some--reason! Maybe even a stupid
reason...
HE
(overlapping) I have...
SHE
(continuous) ...but something causes them to say, “I
don’t want to be with this person anymore.”
HE
I had reasons. Ok?
SHE
Well, what were they?
(brief pause)
HE
I don’t know.
SHE
You see? I’m your best friend. We talk about
everything, but all you ever say is, “it didn’t work
out.”
HE
And being the all knowing creature that you are...
SHE
Oh, stop it.
HE
No. Hell, you know how I feel before I do, shouldn’t you
be able to figure this out? They just didn’t work out.
None of them. I’m not as lucky as you, ok? I can’t lose
one love of my life and then move on to the next one a
week later.
(pause)
SHE
What’s that supposed to mean?
(brief pause)
HE
Nothing.
SHE
I think it meant something.
HE
No, it...
SHE
What does that mean?
HE
Nothing. I just... (the phone rings--he jumps, startled
by the noise) Jesus!
SHE
(surprised by his reaction to the phone) God.
HE
I mean you’ve got me backed into a corner here. I’m
about ready to wet myself over this date you’ve forced me
into, and now you’re psycho-analyzing my love life. (the
phone continues ringing)
SHE
I’m sorry. God. Calm down.
HE
Is our session over now, doctor?
SHE
(laughs) I’m sorry. I got a little carried away.
HE
A little. The phone.
SHE
Are you alright?
HE
I’m fine. Get the phone.
SHE
(answering the phone) Hello?
HE
You never did tell me where the alcohol is.
SHE
Why aren’t you here?
HE
(looking around) At the risk of another bout of psycho-
analysis, I think I’m going to need some to get through
this.
SHE
I told you we’d talk about this later...(turning away in
an attempt at privacy) Yes!
HE
I’ll just...look in here. (exits toward the kitchen)
SHE
Can’t you just do this one thing for me?...For both of
us. This is important for him...He’s my friend. You
know that. You knew that when we...Yeah, well, maybe I
‘don’t give a shit’ about you either...I am not
in...Well, I thought I did too...Look. I’m really tired
of this. I’m going to have dinner with my friends, and
at this point, I really don’t give a shit what you
do...(He enters, holding a bottle of vodka) Fine.
Great. And you know what? You can just stay away...You
heard me. If you can’t do this...Hello?...Hello?...(she
slams the phone into it’s cradle) FUCK! (a moment of
silence--He stands frozen in the doorway to the kitchen,
She stares at the phone unaware that he’s returned)
Fine. (She goes to the table, picks up one of the place
settings, crosses to a point opposite Him, and smashes
the plate into a waste basket. The doorbell rings. She
turns, sees him holding the bottle)
HE
Uh...Just the three of us then?
SHE
(takes a deep breath--puts on a smile) Make me one of
those, will you? (the doorbell rings again) This is
going to be great! (She exits to answer the door)
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
3 THE APARTMENT WHERE SHE LIVES 3
Darkness. In the blackout a doorbell
rings. Pause. Rings again.
SHE
(from the darkness) Go away!
Loud persistent knocking at the door.
Lights come up just enough to reveal
She sitting at the table in her
apartment. The setting is the same
as before with the addition of
scattered debris of dinner from
earlier in the evening. It is around
midnight the same evening as in scene
two. Next to her on the table is the
whiskey bottle and a glass. The
bottle is empty. She is alone.
The knocking finally stops. She sits
motionless for a moment. Finally He
enters tentatively having let himself
in. He knocks on the wall, not able
to see her yet in the dim light.
SHE
GO AWAY! (she picks up the bottle and throws it offstage
toward the door, barely missing him)
HE
JESUS! (she jumps up, not expecting to hear anyone in
the room, picks up something else to throw. He hits the
deck) IT’S ME! IT’S ME! JESUS! (she throws a plate in
his general direction) STOP IT! IT’S ME!
SHE
(simultaneous with “it’s me”) Who’s there?
HE
IT’S ME! IT’S ME! HOLD YOUR FIRE! (he reaches up to a
light switch. Turns it on) STOP IT! IT’S ME!
SHE
(having found something else to throw, has her arm cocked
back when the lights come up) Jesus! I didn’t know who
you were!
HE
It’s me! Put that down.
SHE
How did you get in here?
HE
You gave me a key, remember? When you went out of town
that time.
SHE
Don’t do that!
HE
Put that down.
SHE
Don’t ever do that again!
HE
I won’t! Believe me.
SHE
(drops her last piece of ammo) Jesus. You scared the
shit out of me.
HE
I know how you feel.
SHE
What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with...
HE
I took her home. I was worried about you. You could
have killed me. Jesus.
SHE
Well, that’s what you get, breaking into my apartment.
HE
I didn’t break in! Do you just start throwing things
every time someone rings the doorbell?
SHE
Yes! I do.
pause--both burst out laughing
HE
Jesus, you scared me.
SHE
Are you alright?
HE
I’m shaking. Look at me, I’m shaking.
SHE
Well, what do you expect?
HE
I don’t think I can stand up.
SHE
You can too.
HE
I can’t.
SHE
Get up.
HE
You could have killed me.
SHE
I missed you by a mile. Get up. Get up, I’ll fix you a
drink.
HE
Isn’t that what you threw at me?
SHE
Empty. I’ve got more.
HE
You drank that whole thing?
SHE
Do you want a drink or not?
HE
Yes. Please. I’ll just wait for it down here.
SHE
(laughs) Fine. Suit yourself. (she exits to the
kitchen)
HE
Better make it a double. I think I’ve got some catching
up to do.
SHE
(enters with a new bottle and a glass for him) Not much.
We were neck and neck through dinner, buddy boy.
HE
Yeah, well. I think you’ve built up a lead since then.
SHE
So drink. (she sets the bottle on the table) Catch up.
(sits down) I don’t do house calls.
HE
(beat) Ok. (gets up off the floor, sits at the table,
pours himself a drink as she stares into space. Awkward
silence) So.
SHE
So.
(pause)
HE
Do you want to talk about it?
SHE
(simultaneous with “talk about it”) So, you lived
through it, huh?
HE
What?
SHE
The date.
HE
Oh.
SHE
You made it through.
HE
Yeah.
SHE
Uninjured. Still coherent.
HE
Well...
SHE
So, how’d it go?
HE
I don’t know. It was fine.
SHE
Fine?
HE
Fine. (she laughs) What?
SHE
Nothing.
HE
What?
SHE
Nothing.
HE
Well, you were here. What did you think?
SHE
I thought I should leave the room so the two of you could
pro-create on my dining room table.
HE
What?
SHE
You were all over each other.
HE
We were not.
SHE
Alright, she was all over you.
HE
When?
SHE
All night.
HE
Come on.
SHE
She was!
HE
You are so full of shit.
SHE
Fine.
HE
Where was I when all this...
SHE
Oh, please! Not even you could have missed...
HE
What? What did she do? She was nice. She was--being
nice. (she laughs) What?
SHE
Let me give you a little inside information. If a woman
helps you wipe something off your lap...
HE
(overlapping) That was...She wasn’t...
SHE
(continuous) ...when nothing has actually been spilled
there, you can usually take that to mean she’s
interested.
(pause)
HE
You think?
SHE
How did you ever manage to lose your virginity?
HE
I just don’t like to read too much into things. It makes
life--less dangerous.
SHE
And a lot less interesting.
HE
Well...
SHE
So, are you going to see her again?
HE
I don’t know.
SHE
Don’t you like her?
HE
Yeah--I guess. I don’t know
SHE
You’re not going to call her, are you?
HE
I don’t know.
SHE
What’s wrong with you?
HE
Nothing’s wrong with me. What do you mean?
SHE
She’s perfect for you.
HE
Perfect for me?
SHE
Yes!
HE
Don’t you think it’s just a little bit early to say she’s
perfect for me?
SHE
Well, then, it’s a little bit early to say she isn’t.
HE
Ok. Fine. Maybe she’s perfect for me. Maybe we’ll get
married next week.
SHE
That’s better.
HE
But, for tonight, I’d really rather not think about it
any more, ok?
(pause)
SHE
Did you kiss her?
HE
(beat. He grabs the bottle, gets up) You have anything
to mix with this?
SHE
Did you?
HE
Coke? 7-up?--Ice? (starts into the kitchen)
SHE
Answer me. Get back here!
HE
(off) How did you manage to cook dinner? There’s never
any food in your kitchen.
SHE
You didn’t run away to your car, did you?
HE
My god, your refrigerator’s empty.
SHE
Did you?
HE
There’s nothing...
SHE
DID YOU?
HE
NO!
(pause)
SHE
No, what?
HE
(returning with an ice cube tray) No, I did not run away
to my car. (begins fiddling with the ice cube tray,
trying to open it)
SHE
Then what? What happened? Come on, I had to watch the
foreplay, you can at least fill me in on the rest.
HE
There’s nothing to fill you in on.
SHE
Nothing?
HE
Nothing.
SHE
(brief pause) Nothing?
HE
Nothing! (smacks the ice cube tray against the table in
frustration, and in an attempt to loosen the ice. The
ice breaks. He puts several cubes in his drink.)
(pause)
SHE
(watching him) Nothing-nothing? or nothing-”I don’t want
to talk about it?
HE
(beat. Leaning into an imaginary microphone) I’m sorry,
senator, but counsel has advised me not to answer any
more questions.
SHE
Something did happen.
HE
Nothing happened.
SHE
Just tell me if you kissed her.
HE
I don’t...
SHE
(interrupting) Come on!
HE
I don’t want to...
SHE
It’s a simple question. Did you?
HE
Stop it.
SHE
Did you kiss her?
HE
Please?
SHE
(rapid fire) Did you kiss her, did you kiss her, did you
kiss her, did you kiss her, did you kiss her...
HE
ALRIGHT! STOP IT! I’ll tell you. (pause) Jesus!
(pause)
SHE
Well?
(pause)
HE
Sort of.
SHE
(beat) Sort of?
HE
Yes.
SHE
Sort of? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
HE
It means...
SHE
How do you sort of kiss someone?
HE
She kissed me, ok? (pause--she bursts out laughing) I
was nervous, alright? I would have gotten around to it.
(more laughter) What? What’s so funny?
SHE
Nothing. Nothing. Really. I think it’s nice.
HE
Thank you.
SHE
It’s nice.
HE
Thank you.
SHE
She kissed you. That’s nice.
HE
I’m so glad you approve.
(brief pause)
SHE
I just hope you didn’t read too much into it.
HE
Ok, ok, I deserved that. (very convincingly looks over
her shoulder and points) Oh my god! Look! (she looks.
He picks up a piece of ice and drops it down the front of
her shirt)
SHE
Oh! Ohhhhhh. You die!
They chase each other around the
apartment, each with a piece of ice.
After a bit of chasing, she runs off
in the direction of the front door.
He follows. A moment passes.
He runs back on. He’s lost her. He
looks around the apartment, behind
any furniture that might be able to
conceal her, under the table, then
starts toward the kitchen door. As
his back is turned, she sneaks
onstage, creeps up behind him, she’s
able to get the ice cube tray from
the table and dump the whole thing
down the back of his shirt. He howls
and whirls around, but she has
stepped aside and is now rubbing the
ice into his back. He drops to his
knees, she tackles him, continuing to
rub the ice in.
HE
Alright! Alright! Stop it!
SHE
Say “I’m sorry”.
HE
Stop it! Stop!
SHE
Say “I’m sorry”.
HE
Alright, alright. Just stop.
SHE
Say it.
HE
I’m freezing. Stop it.
SHE
(punctuating each word with a rub) Say--I’m--sorry.
HE
Alright, alright, I’ll say it! I’ll say it!
SHE
(pauses) Well?
HE
You’re sorry. (she resumes rubbing even harder) Ahhhhh!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’M SORRY, ALRIGHT? I’m sorry.
SHE
Say it again.
HE
I’m sorry.
SHE
Again.
HE
(brief pause) I’m sorry.
SHE
(smiles) Say--”I’m a big, stupid geek”.
HE
Ohhhhh!
SHE
I’ve got more ice.
HE
Don’t!
SHE
Say it.
HE
Don’t!
SHE
Say it!
HE
(through clenched teeth) I’m a big, stupid geek.
SHE
(releasing him) That’s better. They say when you can
admit it, that’s half the battle. (lays on her side on
the floor beside him)
HE
(sitting up, shaking the remaining ice from his shirt)
You are so dead.
SHE
That’s what I do to people who break into my apartment in
the middle of the night.
HE
When you least expect it, babe.
SHE
Ooooooo! I’m scared--babe. (he grabs some of the ice
that has fallen from his shirt and holds it menacingly)
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(she sits up, arms outstretched in defense. He advances,
she grabs his wrist, they struggle playfully.) Don’t do
it. You’ll lose. Don’t do it.
After a bit more of a struggle, he
suddenly leans in and kisses her full
on the lips. She freezes, too
surprised to react in any way for a
moment, as he kisses her once, and
begins to move in for a more
passionate second kiss. As he does,
she pulls away forcefully and
scrambles away from him on the floor
before standing to compose herself
and try to figure out exactly what
just happened.
SHE
Um.
HE
Before you say anything... (scrambles to his feet)
SHE
No. Stop.
HE
Just let me talk.
SHE
No! Just--no. (she turns and exits into the kitchen,
but returns after only a moment has passed) What the
hell was that?
HE
Just listen. Please. I can explain.
SHE
I hope so.
HE
Just...
SHE
Because if you...
HE
Please, just--let me talk. Please. Sit down.
brief pause--she remains standing
SHE
Look, maybe we...
HE
I know this probably isn’t the best time, but--trust me,
it is. It is the best time. Just, please, sit down.--
Please. (she does) Um--god, this is even harder...um.
(pause) I love you.
(pause)
SHE
I love you too.
HE
No. That’s not what I mean. I love you.
SHE
No. You don’t.
HE
Please...
SHE
You don’t.
HE
I know what you’re thinking, I do, but just, please,
don’t interrupt. Please. It’s taken me this long, if I
don’t say it now...
SHE
How long?
(pause)
HE
You remember three or four years ago? You were dating--a
welder, or something, and I was seeing...
SHE
Sculptor. He was a sculptor. He worked with metal.
HE
Right. Fine. Whatever. But we had just met each other
not too long before, and we used to talk to each other on
the phone all the time. For hours. And we were talking
on the phone one night, and you and the welder (she
reacts) sculptor. You and the sculptor were fighting or
something, and we’d both been drinking a lot, and we
talked about what a shame it was that the two of us were
seeing other people. How we were perfect for each other.
SHE
That was four years...
HE
...and I know that it was four years ago, but my point
is, if you felt that way then, then maybe...
SHE
That was four years ago!
HE
I know.
SHE
I was drunk. I...That was four years ago.
HE
I know it was four years ago. But don’t you think...
SHE
No! No. I don’t think. What did you think was going to
happen here? We’re friends.
HE
But--don’t you think we could...
SHE
No. We can’t. We can’t. You don’t really want that.
Just sober up and think about this for a minute.
HE
I think about this all the time! Believe me, I’ve
thought about it. A lot. And I realize that maybe you
haven’t, but I think if you did...
SHE
No. Listen. No.
HE
Just think about it.
SHE
No.
HE
Think about how great we are together. We’re always
together. We’ve both been through all these other
people, but the two of us...
SHE
That’s because we’re friends! We’re friends. If we...
HE
I know, I know. I agree with you. If we’d been more
than friends in the beginning, we never would have
lasted, but we know each other so well now, that...
SHE
That it would be even worse.
HE
No!
SHE
It would.
HE
No.
SHE
Think about it. Think how much more we have to lose now.
Our friendship.
HE
We wouldn’t have to lose anything.
SHE
But we would! We’d lose everything! We would. It
wouldn’t work.
HE
Why not?
SHE
It just--wouldn’t.
HE
You don’t know that.
SHE
I do. I do know that. I don’t feel that way about you.
I just don’t.
(pause)
HE
Why?
SHE
I don’t know why.
HE
How can we be so close, and...
SHE
I don’t know. I just...You’re the one who said that
sometimes it just doesn’t work. I guess you were right.
HE
I lied.
SHE
(beat) What?
HE
I lied.
SHE
What do you mean?
HE
I mean, you were pushing me, and I didn’t want to talk
about, so I lied. You were right. There’s always a
reason. I had a reason for every woman I broke up with.
So what’s your excuse?
(pause)
SHE
Look.
HE
Just think about it. That’s all I ask. Because I really
think that if you do...
SHE
I don’t have to think about it.
HE
I think if you do, though...
SHE
Look, try to understand. We’re friends. That’s it.
Very good friends, but only friends.
HE
Why?
SHE
Because.
(pause)
HE
Just think about it.
SHE
No.
HE
Please.
SHE
I don’t have to...
HE
For me.
SHE
I don’t...
HE
You don’t have to say anything tonight.
SHE
Stop talking and listen to me. Please. Will you listen
to me?
HE
No! No. I won’t. Because if I stop now, I’ll just end
up apologizing, and we’ll forget about it, and I’m not
going to stop until you at least promise to think about
it. Will you think about it? Please, just think about
it.
Finally speechless with frustration,
she grabs him by the lapels and very
forcefully pulls him toward her,
kissing him violently and,
apparently, very passionately. Like
her, before, he’s too shocked to
respond at first, and when he does
move to embrace her, she breaks the
kiss and pushes him away
SHE
There! Is that what you want? Is that what you were
hoping for tonight? (he stares in shock, completely
speechless) Should we just clear off the table here, or
do you think we can make it into the bedroom? Because
since we’re such good friends, then, naturally, I want to
sleep with you, right? It’s just a matter of timing.
Catching me on the rebound. Jesus!
We just broke up! I really cared about him. (pause)
And you want to hear something really funny? We broke up
because of you. He was jealous of you. He couldn’t
comprehend that maybe I could care about someone,
and...God! He was right. You don’t get it either.
You’re both too stupid to understand that I can love you
without wanting to sleep with you. (pause)
But, hey, what the hell? You want it so bad, let’s go.
Let’s strip down right here. But if you need me to enjoy
myself, well I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disappoint you,
because I don’t feel that way about you. (pause) Ok?
silence--finally he turns away,
stands frozen another moment
HE
I--should go.
(pause)
SHE
I...
HE
I’m sorry if I...
SHE
Stop.
HE
I’ll just..
SHE
(puts a hand on his shoulder) Please. (he forcefully
removes her hand from his shoulder) I’m sorry.
HE
Fuck you.
SHE
What?
HE
(turns on her) FUCK YOU! Do you know what it took for
me to do that?
SHE
(overlapping) I’m sorry.
HE
Do you know how terrified I was?
SHE
I’m sorry.
(pause)
HE
Yeah, so am I. (turns to leave. Stops short. Pause)
You know.--I know this was bad timing. I know you
guys... I know you just broke up. I do. But ever since
I’ve known you, you’ve always been in a relationship.
You always have. Always. And in the few, brief times
when you weren’t in a relationship, I was, so we... We
just never...
And I know I’ve had too much to drink, but I just need to
finish this now, and say what I need to say, because--the
way things... The way it looks now, we’re not going to be
spending so much time together anymore.
SHE
We will...
HE
(cutting her off) And I just need to say this. I need
to say this. I need to get this out. (pause)
I’m sorry--that I put you through this. But for as long
as I can remember, since--as long as I can remember, I’ve
been settling, you know? I remember-it must have been
seventh or eighth grade-my first girlfriend. I mean,
we’d talk to each other in the halls, and sit by each
other in study hall, and, next thing I knew, she was
calling me at home, asking what I though she should wear
to the dance that I hadn’t actually asked her to. So I
guess she was my girlfriend. But I remember walking home
from school one day, and thinking I don’t, really, even
like her. I mean, she was nice, you know? I liked her.
But I didn’t--like her.
She bored me when we’d talk. But I remember, even then,
that long ago, in junior high school, thinking, what if I
never meet anyone else? What if--no one else ever wants
to go out with me? Because, believe me, the offers
weren’t pouring in any better then than they are now.
And I really didn’t think I would meet anyone else.
(pause)
And then I met you. (pause) I mean, you know, several
years later, but... (pause) You remember the first time
I saw you?
SHE
Um...The party. For the...
HE
(shaking his head) That’s the first time we met. The
first time I saw you was in the park about--a month
before that, on the swings.
SHE
Oh, god!
HE
(slight smile) You remember?
SHE
I didn’t think anyone ever saw me.
HE
I thought I told you. It was really late at night, and I
couldn’t sleep, so I was walking. And you were--sailing
back and forth in the moonlight with your eyes closed--
your hair blowing...
Even now, when I think about it, I can remember every
detail.
And then, when I actually met you at the party, we were
so good together. We were just so--good.
But you were with someone. And you’ve been with someone
ever since. And we’ve gotten to the point, now, where I
really can’t imagine not being your friend. I can’t... I
just can’t imagine my life without you. (pause)
You asked me why I never stayed very long with the women
I’ve dated; it’s you. Because of you. Because I didn’t
want to settle any more. I’d been doing it all my life,
and I didn’t want to settle. And every woman I met,
every one, I would compare them to you, and they weren’t
you. They just weren’t. And I refused to settle until--
until I knew one way or another.
So don’t tell me that I’m just drunk, or that I don’t
really feel the way I feel, because I’ve had four years
to think about this, and I know how I feel.
(silence)
SHE
I don’t know what to say.
HE
(short laugh) Nothing. Please. I think you’ve
expressed yourself quite well.
(pause)
SHE
I’m...
HE
(cutting her off) I should go. It’s late. I have to
get up in the morning. (picks up his jacket, remembers
something in the pocket, pauses, takes out a small white
box with a bow) Um... I guess this is yours. (holds it
out to her. She hesitates.) Please. Take it. I had it
made a while back, and the way I feel now, I’d probably
just burn it or something.
SHE
I can’t. You should keep it. Give it to someone else.
HE
(another small laugh) It wouldn’t really--be appropriate
for anyone else. (she doesn’t move to take it.) Please.
I want you to have it. (she hesitates another moment,
takes the box, removes the ribbon, opens it. She pauses
a moment upon seeing the contents--the audience can’t see
it yet--then she takes it out and discards the box. It’s
a beautifully detailed, hand crafted miniature swing set)
Well--thanks for dinner. (he starts to leave)
SHE
Wait. (he stops, still facing away from her. pause. He
turns to look at her. She collapses into a chair still
holding and looking at the swing set) God... (pause)
Why couldn’t you just be drunk and horny? I could handle
that. If that’s all it was... (pause) ...but this...
(long pause)
HE
(unsure how to react, whether to go or stay, remains
where he is throughout the pause. Finally, to break the
silence...) Well...if it helps any, I am drunk and
horny.
SHE
(laughs. Pause) You can’t just leave. You... We’ve
been friends too long. You’ve got a key to my apartment,
you know? I mean, who am I going to throw things at in
the middle of the night? (he smiles, but remains where
he is standing) I need... I need us. You know? I...
You keep me sane. You can’t just leave.
HE
(laughs) Jesus. What are you like when you’re not sane?
SHE
(laughing, but serious) You don’t want to know. Really.
You don’t. That’s why... I used to get to this--
point... I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but the only
place I could go to...get away from everything was the
park. The swings. I could just close my eyes and...
And it wasn’t perfect, you know, it didn’t fix
everything, but it helped. It made things--bearable for
a while.
And I never thought about it before, but I just realized,
just now, when you gave me this, that when I met you I
stopped going there. I didn’t need it anymore, I guess.
‘Cause, now, when I start feeling crazy, I talk to you.
And it helps. A lot. It really helps.
And I don’t know why it’s not more than friendship, I
don’t, but I think that if it was, if it was more than
friendship, it wouldn’t be--as good. It wouldn’t be
special. And I can’t just stop. I can’t. I don’t want
to. Do you?
(pause)
HE
No. I don’t.
(pause)
SHE
Let me make some coffee or something, we’ll... Just
don’t go yet.
I’ll make some coffee, and we’ll figure this out.
(pause) Ok?
(pause)
HE
But then I wouldn’t be drunk and horny any more.
SHE
(laughs) Yeah, well, that was kind of the point.
HE
I’d just be horny. It’s not the same. (she laughs
again)
(brief pause)
SHE
So... I’ll make some coffee and--I’ll be right back.
And you’ll wait here.
(brief pause)
HE
Yeah. Coffee would be good.
SHE
Yeah. Ok. (she exits to the kitchen)
Silence. He remains standing for a
moment, still holding his jacket.
Finally he moves slowly toward the
table, picks up the swing set,
considers it a moment, puts it back
down, continues to look at it,
reaches into the pocket of the jacket
he is holding after another moment,
withdraws a keychain containing
several keys. After considering that
for a moment, he slowly removes one
of the keys from the keychain, places
it gently onto the table by the swing
set, returns the keychain to the
jacket pocket, turns, and moves
toward the exit.
Just before passing out of view of
the audience, he pauses, looks back
for moment toward where she exited,
turns, and exits.
Stage remains empty as lights fade
slowly to black
END OF PLAY