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**Author's note: A couple of visitors have expressed confusion over the bits of extraneous dialogue from secondary characters that I've included in my monologues. "Aren't monologues supposed to be just one person talking?" Yes. They are. The extra dialogue is included, mainly, to provide context so that the performer knows what happened just before, and what is going on during his or her speech. It is also included for completion's sake (this is how the monologue appears in the actual play). When this dialogue appears in the middle of the monologue it can usually be fairly easily ignored in performance (sometimes requiring some minor re-wording) or (my preference) the dialogue can be responded to as if the other actor were actually on stage with you. The monologue will be more dynamic and interesting that way, and the audience will still understand perfectly well what's going on. Hope that clears things up. Feel free to e-me with any other questions or comments.
(Lights up. A city park. Betty is seated on a park bench feeding pigeons. She holds a paper bag and leisurely scatters imaginary bread crumbs toward the "pigeons" in the audience. She is relaxed, happy, and enjoying a beautiful day.
After a brief time, Bob enters and sits next to her. He also has a paper bag of "bread crumbs". He is depressed, angry with himself, and taking out his frustrations on the pigeons by occasionally trying to hit them with a handful of crumbs.
Naturally, after a few moments of this, Betty rises to leave)
Bob: (as she starts to go) Oh, sure. Fine. Go. (he continues pelting the pigeons throughout the rest of his speech, punctuating selected thoughts with a handful of crumbs)
[Betty: I beg your pardon?]
Bob: Go! Leave. Leave me with the birds. I mean, god forbid you should actually…grace me with… I mean I know I’m not Mel Gibson, or…or…
[Betty: (overlapping) I really have to…]
Bob: (continuous) Or…Regis Philbin, or…some movie star, or… I mean, god forbid! Right? (wings more crumbs at the pigeons)
[Betty: I’m sorry, I…Regis Philbin?]
Bob: I mean, what do you want? What? Tell me! Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it, you know? Just tell me.
[Betty: What do I…]
Bob: What do you want?
[Betty: Who?]
Bob: You! All of you! You, women! You! What is it that you, as a woman, want from us, as men? What? Tell me! What? What?
[Betty: I…]
Bob: Because I’ll be frank with you, I haven’t got one fucking clue. (silence.) I mean… Like you, just now, with the birds. I throw a few bread crumbs at a couple of birds, and that makes me an ass hole, right?
[Betty: Right]
Bob: Right! But if I just sat here, if I just…fed them, if… If I just sat here, you wouldn’t have given me a second look. You would’ve thought, "Ohhhh, what a nice guy. Feeding the birds. What a nice guy. He must be gay.
[Betty: Look]
Bob: No! Wait. That’s wrong. If you thought I was gay, then you’d be attracted to me. You would have thought, "Oh, what a nice guy. What a nice, wimpy guy. Isn’t he nice? I think I’d like to be friends with that guy. He’d make a great friend. A nice, wimpy, friendly guy that I can hang out with when there aren’t any real men around. I bet we could be great friends. (pause) That’s what you would’ve thought.
Mail me.