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Jack Horner's Lament
a monologue
By Brad Boesen
[Copyright by author. All rights reserved.]
**Author's note: A couple of visitors have expressed confusion over the bits of extraneous dialogue from secondary characters that I've included in my monologues. "Aren't monologues supposed to be just one person talking?" Yes. They are. The extra dialogue is included, mainly, to provide context so that the performer knows what happened just before, and what is going on during his or her speech. It is also included for completion's sake (this is how the monologue appears in the actual play). When this dialogue appears in the middle of the monologue it can usually be fairly easily ignored in performance (sometimes requiring some minor re-wording) or (my preference) the dialogue can be responded to as if the other actor were actually on stage with you. The monologue will be more dynamic and interesting that way, and the audience will still understand perfectly well what's going on. Hope that clears things up. Feel free to e-me with any other questions or comments.
JACK
(a little drunk. Participating
in a television talk show on
fairy tale and nursery rhyme
characters: where are they
now?)
Oh, it's been great! The support group's been great. I
started it with Carl.
(sees that no one knows who
Carl is.)
The little piggy that went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home?
God, he'd kill me if he heard me say that. Anyway, after
Carl got out of the pen a few years back, he and I consulted
with Danny Bonaduce and he really helped us set the whole
thing up.
KAT
How does it work?
JACK
Well... Basically we all meet at this bar close to where I
live and, uh... if anyone pisses one of us off we can all
gang up on them.
(laughs uproariously at his own
joke)
No, seriously... We get together and, uh... You know.
Drink. A lot. But, you know, that seems to help, so...
Better than drinking alone, right?
KAT
So... Why the support group? What is it that brought you
together with, uh... Carl and the others?
JACK
Well, you know... People. God. They get this image of you
from ONE MOMENT of your life and... I mean, OK, first off
they usually confuse me with someone else entirely, you know?
I mean, I'm Jack Horner, OK? NOT Jack the beanstalk guy, NOT
the clumsy guy who broke his crown... I mean, that poor sap
is drooling into his soup in some pathetic home somewhere
with a steel plate in his head, but you don't see the
tabloids bothering him, do you? No! And just who are we
kidding here, anyway, huh? I mean, we all know that when you
went up that hill with Jill you weren't just looking to
"fetch a pail of water," you know what I mean?
I mean... Oh god, I'm sorry, I... I mean, I love Jack, you
know? It's terrible what happened to him. But I'm not him!
And I never climbed a beanstalk! Oh, and don't even get me
started on that porn guy that Burt Reynolds played in that
Boogie movie.
KAT
So, people mistake you for...
JACK
And then when they do figure out who I am, it's always, "Oh!
LI'L Jack Horner!" "LI'L" Jack Horner! "Hey, Jack!"
(holds up his thumb)
"'What a good boy am I,' huh?" Like I've never heard that
one before, right? Yeah, no one ever thought of that one
before, you original piece of... I mean, I was FOUR YEARS
OLD! I stuck my thumb in ONE FREAKIN' PIE! There happened
to be a PLUM in the vicinity!
(has begun sobbing
uncontrollably)
I mean, give it a BREAK, already, alright? Just give it a
freakin' BREAK!
(more sobbing)
Jesus, I need a drink.
KAT
Jack? Jack!
JACK
Somebody get me a DRINK!!!
KAT
JACK!
JACK
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry. What was the
question?