Laura Kendall & Brad Boesen

[Copyright by authors. All rights reserved]

 Act I

Percy: Well, Little Dougie, it’s finally finished. My masterpiece. The greatest film ever made. The greatest film that will ever be made. What do you think of that?

Doug: Golly, Unca Percy, Is it really the best?

Percy: Dougie, when this film is released...well, let’s just say our friend, Philbert Hitchcock will pack his bags and go back to the pig farm where he belongs.

Backstage Voice: We’re ready, Mr. Pindrop!

Percy: Excellent! Start the film and leave us. I’ll change the reels myself.

Voice: But...

Percy: No one sees this film but me and Little Dougie! You can wait for the official release like everybody else. Come on, Little Dougie, you’re about to witness cinematic history.

Doug: (clapping) Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!

(Percy and Little Dougie move offstage as the lights go down. A moment later, strobe effect begins behind the scrim. The following is projected onto the front of the scrim: Pindrop Studios. And. Percy Pindrop. Presents. A Percy Pindrop Production. Of a Percy Pindrop Film. CITIZEN TRAIN. Starring. At this point, the strobe effect suddenly stops. The stage is dark)

Percy: Hey! Who stopped the film?

Doug: Unca Percy?

Percy: Who’s there? I said I wanted to be left alone. You!

Doug: Unca Percy?

Percy: I told you never to set foot in this studio again. What are you doing? Who’s that behind you? Get away from that film!

Doug: Unca Percy? Is the movie over already? I don’t get it. Unca Percy?

Minnie: Oh, dear!

Doug: (referring to the snowglobe) How do they get it to do that?

Minnie: Dougie, listen to this.

Doug: It’s like a movie, only really, really small.

Minnie: Dougie…

Doug: And then you shake it (he does, looks at it, is delighted by it all over again) and it starts all over again.

Stagehand: (to the wall) Pardon me, Mrs. Pindrop.

Minnie: Oh, dear!

Doug: Neato!

Minnie: Dougie, listen to this.

Stagehand: (still talking to the wall) You’re looking mighty fetching today, Mrs. Pindrop.

Minnie: Thank you, Stagehand. Dougie, listen!

Doug: (approaching her) Mom! It’s Douglas! Douglas Anchorage! Douglas! I’m not Little Dougie anymore!

Stagehand: (moving toward where Doug was before he moved) Hiya, Little Dougie.

Doug: Hiya, Stagehand.

Minnie: It’s a letter from the bank, Dougie. It says that if we don’t pay what we owe them, they’re going to foreclose, and the studio will go up for sale in two days.

Doug: Gee!

Stagehand: (speaking to a potted plant in the corner) How are you today, Little Dougie?

Minnie: Your father founded this studio, Dougie. I can’t bear to see it sold. Percy wanted to give this studio to you one day.

Doug: Wow!

Minnie: Oh, if only he were here. If only he hadn’t disappeared. Oh, Percy, Percy, how could you have gotten us in such a mess?

Stagehand: Oh, I’ll clean that mess right up for you, Mrs. Pindrop. (somehow finds the door and wanders out)

Minnie: (looking through boxes and drawers) No financial records, no receipts. Your father was a movie making genius, but his accounting skills left something to be desired. For ten years I’ve managed to keep Pindrop studios afloat on reputation alone, but now…Oh, Dougie, where will we go? What will we do?

Doug: (studies the snow globe, deep in thought) I know! We’ll make a movie!

Minnie: Dougie…

Doug: And when people buy tickets, we’ll use the money to pay the bank!

Minnie: Dougie…

Doug: A movie! Directed by, and starring Douglas Anchorage!

Minnie: Dougie…

Doug: Douglas! No one will ever think of me as Little Dougie Pickles, child star again.

Stagehand: (entering with a mop and bucket, bumps into a coat rack) ‘Scuse me there, Little Dougie.

Minnie: Oh, dear!

Doug: (excitedly shaking the snow globe) We’ll make a movie about snow! Just like this only bigger! And with people!

Minnie: Dougie!

Doug: Yes, mother?

Minnie: We’ve only got two days.

Doug: Oh.

Minnie: And we haven’t got any money.

Doug: I forgot.

Minnie: And…oh, how can I put this gently, dear? You didn’t exactly inherit your father’s film making genius.

Doug: Right. Maybe that’s because I’m adopted.

Minnie: Maybe. Nevertheless, the fact remains.

Doug: Right.

Minnie: Oh, if only there was something we could do.

Stagehand: (aimlessly mopping and bumping into things) You could find the Golden Movie.

Doug: (suddenly excited again) The Golden Movie! That’s it!

Minnie: Now, Dougie, you know that’s only a myth.

Stagehand: (stops mopping, speaks vehemently to the coat rack) A myth! No, ma’am, it most certainly is not!

Doug: I was there, mother! I saw it!

Stagehand: (still to the coat rack) Not a myth!

Doug: Oh, if only I could remember.

Stagehand: The Golden Movie was the greatest movie ever made by Percy Pindrop.

Doug: I remember it was dark.

Stagehand: A giant leap forward in the cinematic art.

Doug: There was flickering light.

Stagehand: Word had been circulating for weeks around Hollywood that when Percy released this film, the rules would be changed forever.

Doug: I was sitting in the dark with Unc…with dad. Only he wasn’t dad yet, he was Unca Percy.

Stagehand: It was a day before the film was to be released.

Doug: Flickering. Flickering.

Stagehand: Percy had arranged for one final viewing, just him and Little Dougie here.

Doug: The movie! It was the movie that was flickering!

Stagehand: He ordered the projectionist to start the movie and leave them alone. "I’ll change the reels myself!" he said.

Doug: Yes! I remember.

Stagehand: But something went wrong.

Doug: (imitating Percy) "I’ll change the reels myself!"

Stagehand: And both Percy and the film disappeared without a trace.

Doug: "No one sees this film but me and Little Dougie…"

Stagehand: Poor Little Dougie was so traumatized that he blocked the whole event from his memory.

Doug: I remember. "…cinematic history…"

Stagehand: Unable to shed any light onto the mystery.

Doug: Light. Flickering light.

Stagehand: Left with nothing but Percy’s trademark horn-rimmed glasses, and a tragically empty brain.

Doug: Flicker-flicker-flicker-flicker…

Stagehand: (as Dougie continues to "flicker-flicker-flicker…") But it’s a well known fact that Percy kept an extra copy of the film hidden somewhere in this studio.

Doug: Then the flickering stopped. (caught up in the memory, begins to take on the roles of Percy and Little Dougie ) "Who stopped my film?"… "Unca Percy?"…"Who’s there?…You!" Someone in the back of the room…in the projection booth. "Get away from that film!" I remember! I remember! It was…

Olestra: (sweeps into the room followed closely by Philbert Hitchcock) Pardon me for not knocking, my darlings, but when I heard the news I just had to rush right over. Minnie, you poor, poor dear, how are you holding up? Philbert! What did I tell you about following so close?

Philbert: Sorry, Ms Deville.

Olestra: Go stand in that corner.

Philbert: Yes, Ms Deville.

Doug: (aside) What was I just saying?

Stagehand: I’ll just be leaving now. (wanders into a closet, shuts the door behind him)

Olestra: And Dougie! Oh, poor, poor Little Dougie.

Doug: You look familiar.

Olestra: Of course I do my dear, sweet, brainless child. I’m Olestra Deville (striking a pose) superstar. You can call me Ms. Deville. (aside) And in just two short days everyone at Pindrop Studios can call me "boss"! (evil laughter) For ten years I’ve been waiting for my chance to steal this studio from these poor, pathetic Pindrops, and now, finally, my ship has come in. (maniacal laugh) Ever since Percy Pindrop’s mysterious disappearance ten years ago, I’ve been biding my time; waiting and watching as poor, senile Minnie Pindrop and that neurologically challenged orphan boy ran his precious studio deeper and deeper in debt; waiting for that perfect moment when, with wolves at the door, and dark clouds gathering on the horizon, their only hope of salvation would be me: Olestra Deville. Angel. Savior. Wolf in sheep’s clothing. (maniacal laughter) I’ll take this studio with a seemingly innocent offer of neighborly assistance, and then, with the help of this spineless lapdog of a director, Philbert Hitchcock, the cameras will roll, my career will be revived, and the shining star that is Olestra Deville will be restored to it’s rightful place in the heavens. (more evil laughter. To Douglas) Do be a dear, and take my coat. (if a coat can be found for Olestra that resembles Dalmatian fur, add optional line: "And be careful with that, it was a gift from my sister.")

Stagehand: (from inside the closet as Dougie opens the door and hands him Olestra’s coat) Why, thank you, Little Dougie. (Dougie closes the door with Stagehand still inside)

Olestra: Philbert!

Philbert: Yes, Ms…

Olestra: Get me a chair!

Philbert: Yes, Ms…

Olestra: And stop that endless chatter! These poor people can’t get a word in edgewise. My dear, dear, Minnie, tell me, please, what can I possibly do to help?

Minnie: You could leave.

Olestra: (to Philbert) Able to keep her sense of humor in such dire, dire circumstances! Why, Minnie, You’re an inspiration to us all.

Doug: (sudden realization) You’re Olestra Deville!

Olestra: Yes.

Doug: Star of the Golden Movie!

Olestra: Right again, dear boy. Those years of remedial schooling have certainly paid off for you, haven’t they?

Doug: Why, thank you, Ms Deville.

Olestra: (gasps and points toward the door) Is that a polar bear?

Doug: Where? (runs excitedly out the door)

Olestra: (to Philbert when Dougie has gone) Acting, Philbert, acting…useful in so many situations.

Philbert: Yes, Ms…

Olestra: Turn around. (he turns to face the wall) Minnie, darling, lets come straight to the point

Minnie: Ms. Deville…

Olestra: Oh, please, call me Olestra. All my friends do.

Minnie: Ms. Deville, I’m afraid I don’t have time to chat.

Olestra: No, of course you don’t.

Minnie: So if you…

Olestra: What with the bank threatening to foreclose, leaving your lives in ruins. With the fate of this once great studio lying in the ink stained hands of those gray-suited bean counters.

Minnie: Yes, well…

Olestra: I understand completely. You’re concerned.

Minnie: Yes.

Olestra: Worried.

Minnie: Yes.

Olestra: Distraught.

Minnie: Well…

Olestra: But I’m here to help, aren’t I Philbert? (Looks around for Philbert) Philbert?

Philbert: (still standing in the corner) Yes, Ms. Deville?

Olestra: What on earth are you doing standing in that corner like some idiot school child? Come tell poor, dear Minnie that we’re here to help her in any way we can.

Philbert: We’re here to help in…

Olestra: Yes, yes, yes. Philbert, do be a dear and fetch me some tea.

Philbert: Yes, Ms. Deville. (he exits)

Olestra: Poor Philbert. A brilliant director, but he does tend to prattle on. Now, where was I?

Minnie: (shouting) Ms. Deville!

Olestra: (gasps) Why Minnie! You frightened me.

Minnie: Oh, dear, I didn’t mean to shout. I never raise my voice. But I was just wondering if you could possibly tell me why it is your here.

Olestra: Why Minnie Dear, I told you I’m here to help.

Minnie: But how? What could you possibly….

Olestra: I thought you’d never ask. I have a plan to steal…I mean to save this studio from those bespectacled, pencil pushers at the bank. Why you and I both know what would become of your husbands creative legacy if we let them get a hold of it. And we don’t want that to happen do we?

Minnie: Oh my goodness, no.

Olestra: No.

Minnie: But what can we do?

Olestra: Well, that’s where I come in. (takes out a contract) I took the liberty of drawing up a little contract, a formality really, making me, shall we say…creative consultant to Pindrop Studios. I agree to star in all future Pindrop films, Philbert agrees to direct, the bank agrees to forgive the studio’s debt in return for a minor financial interest in our first blockbuster production, and I’m granted certain…incidental powers in the day to day management of the studio. (aside) Powers including, but not limited to, complete and total control! (maniacal laughter) This is almost too easy!

Minnie: Well, this is very kind of you.

Olestra: I’m only thinking of you and little Dougie’s well being.

Minnie: But maybe I should read it first…it looks like there is some little tiny print down here that I can’t quite make out…

Olestra: (grabbing the contract from Minnie) Gimmie that! I mean…I wouldn’t want you to be bored with the meaningless details. I’ll just summarize for you. (reading) I, Olestra Deville, blah, blah, blah…save Pindrop Studios…blah, blah, blah…well you get the idea…and all you have to do is sign right here.

Minnie: Well….

Olestra: Now! I mean…Please? Do it for little Dougie.

Minnie: Well, I suppose…

Stagehand: (from inside the closet) Don’t do it!

Olestra: Who was that?

Minnie: Percy?

Stagehand: Don’t sign it!

Olestra: (aside) Did you hear something?

Stagehand: She’s evil!

Olestra: Who said that?

Minnie: Percy? Is that you? What should I do, Percy?

Stagehand: Don’t trust her!

Olestra: It’s coming from the closet! (She opens the door) What are you doing in there?

Stagehand: Nothing.

Olestra: Well, keep it that way! (she slams the door)

Minnie: (Minnie starts to read the contract) I don’t really understand legal terms…what does "complete power of attorney mean"?

Philbert: You’re tea, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: Details, Minnie, details.

Doug: That wasn’t a Polar Bear, you were joking weren’t you?

Minnie: And "forfeiture of all legal claims"?

Olestra: Minnie dear, let me worry about those pesky little legal terms, just sign the paper.

Stagehand: Don’t do it!

Philbert: I’ll just set this over here, Ms. Deville.

Doug: You were joking, right?

Stagehand: She’s lying!

Olestra: Shut up!

Doug: Bears scare me.

Philbert: One lump or two, Ms. Deville!

Olestra: Minnie…sign the paper!

Doug: Especially Polar bears.

Minnie: I don’t know.

Philbert: Cream, Ms. Deville?

Olestra: (shouting) Just sign the blasted papers so I can take control of this studio and get rid of you all! I mean…

Mary: Excuse me, I’m looking for the casting director.

Doug: (lovestruck) I’m the casting director! I mean…I could be the casting director…I mean…my father was a director, director…I mean…oh… (aside) Golly she’s beautiful! (To Mary) I mean I…um…maybe that bear went this way. (runs into the closet with Stagehand)

Stagehand: (as the door closes) Hiya Dougie.

Minnie: Did you say "get rid of us all?"

Olestra: No, no, no, no, no….

Minnie: I think you should leave, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: Minnie, Darling, you misunderstood.

Minnie: Now, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: I simply meant…

Minnie: Don’t make me raise my voice again.

Olestra: Minnie, dear…Philbert, tell her.

Minnie: I thought you were here to help me, but I see now why Percy banned you from the studio all those years ago.

Olestra: Why, he never…

Minnie: Oh, yes he did! He never told me why but he did tell me he hoped he never saw you again. You’re not nice. Now. There’s the door.

Olestra: Minnie, darling, believe me I have your best interests at heart.

Minnie: You don’t have a heart. Now get out! Please.

Olestra: Fine! (aside) But I’ll be back! I don’t need that arthritic fossil’s signature! I’ll simply wait for the bank to foreclose and buy this studio for a song! (evil laugh) It’ll be a bit more costly, but the result will be the same. The Pindrops will be out on the street, and the world can start lining up for my triumphant return to the silver screen! (to Minnie) Get some rest Minnie dear, you’ll need it. (evil laugh, exits)

Mary: (to Olestra) Excuse me, Ms…

Minnie: Oh, I think I will take a nap, all this excitement has given me a terrible headache. (she exits)

Mary: (to Minnie) Excuse me, ma’am…(follows her out)

Philbert: (aside) You’re wondering why I put up with that psychotic, aging, perpetual understudy. Wondering why a brilliant filmmaker like myself would subject himself to such needless abuse from one so obviously beneath him. Well, let’s just say I have plans of my own! And once I’ve accomplished those plans, Olestra Deville will be back where she belongs; begging to sign autographs at boat shows and supermarkets. You see, I’ve invented the next great breakthrough in motion picture technology. Oh, yes, I know, everyone thinks that talkies are the wave of the future, but they’ve never experienced the ultimate, cinematic, olfactory thrill of…Smellies! You’re stunned, I can tell. Filled with a sort of giddy admiration. You’re sitting out there asking yourselves, "why didn’t I think of that?" Well, don’t be too hard on yourselves. I’m a genius. You’re not.

Olestra: (offstage) Philbert!

Philbert: Yes Ms. Deville!

Olestra: (off) Move it! Or I’ll find some other chimp to do your job.

Philbert: (through clenched teeth) Yes Ms. Deville! (aside) Mark my words: In just a few short months, when I’ve seized this place, left Ms Deville in the gutter where she belongs, and patented my invention, this studio will be remembered, not for Percy Pindrop and his ‘Golden Movie’, not for Olestra Deville and her talentless capering, but for Philbert Hitchcock and his Smell-O- Matic!

Olestra: (off) Philbert! (Philbert exits sneering and grumbling under his breath)

Mary: (to Philbert as she reenters) Excuse me, sir, but…My goodness! Hollywood really is different from Nebraska. (goes to closet door and knocks) Excuse me, sir!

Stagehand: It’s occupied.

Mary: Oh. Well, I’m looking for that handsome, young casting director. I thought I saw him go in here.

Doug: (bursting through the door) Did you say handsome? (aside) The most beautiful girl in the world just called me handsome!

Mary: Why yes I did. (aside) Golly! He’s even more handsome than I thought! (they stare into each other’s eyes) Oh, excuse me for staring, and I’m sorry to just barge in like this, oh (flustered) I’m Mary, Mary Pickchevy.

Doug: How do you do, Mary - Mary Pickchevy, I‘m Douglas Anchorage.

Mary: I know I don’t have an appointment, but I want to be a star.

Doug: (mesmerized) Okay.

Mary: Really?!

Doug: Sure!

Mary: You mean you’ll cast me in your movie?

Doug: Oh, golly.

Mary: What’s wrong?

Doug: I’m not really a casting director.

Mary: You’re not?

Doug: No, but I have an idea for a movie! It’s about snow! ( grabs his snow globe and shakes it up)

Mary: Sounds exciting!

Doug: Like this only bigger!

Mary: Wow! That looks like home.

Doug: You lived a tiny house like this? How did you fit?

Mary: No silly, I meant the snow. You’re funny.

Doug: I am?

Mary: And cute too. But if you’re not a casting director what are you?

Doug: Well, I’m…

Mary: (gasp) You’re an actor aren’t you? I saw you in a movie, didn’t I? Only you were shorter. And younger. Hey, I know! You’re…

Doug: (embarrassed) Little Dougie Pickles.

Mary: From the…

Doug: (more embarrassed) The Fuzzy Pickle Gang Movies.

Mary: Yeah! You used to do the…

Doug: (even more) The fuzzy pickle dance. (he does the dance—monumentally embarrassed)

Mary: I just loved those movies.

Doug: (she’s too good to be true) Really?

Mary: You were my hero!

Doug: Gosh.

Mary: How come you quit acting? I thought you were brilliant.

Doug: (a painful memory) Oh, golly. (he turns away)

Mary: What’s wrong? Oh, that’s right! You must have been traumatized by the disappearance of your father.

Doug: Huh?

Mary: Yes. You were there when Percy Pindrop disappeared along with the only known .print of the Golden Movie, leaving nothing behind but his trademark horn-rimmed glasses, and now the studio is bankrupt and your only hope of saving it is to find the Golden Movie.

Doug: How did you know that?

Mary: Uh… lucky guess. (aside) Gosh, I’d better be careful or he’ll discover my real reason for being here. He’s so handsome it’s hard for me to think straight.

Doug: Boy, you sure are smart.

Mary: Why, thank you, Douglas.

Doug: (aside) She called me Douglas! (to Mary) You’re welcome…Mary-Mary.

Mary: I’ve got an idea. My father was in the circus, and he taught me how to hypnotize people!

Doug: Jeepers!

Mary: If I hypnotize you, maybe you could remember what happened and we could find the movie!

Doug: Okay! What do we do first?

Mary: We must make everything as it was before. What was the last thing you remember?

Doug: I was holding his trademark horn-rimmed glasses.

Mary: We need those glasses! Do you still have them?

Doug: Sure do! There right in here.(goes to the closet, opens door)

Stagehand: Hiya, Dougie!

Doug: Hiya, Stagehand! Guess what! Mary-Mary’s gonna hypnotize me!

Stagehand: Wow! Can I watch?

Mary: Sure. You can hold the glasses.

Mary: Concentrate on this locket. Watch it swing. Back and forth. Back and forth. You’re getting verrry sleeeepy- (Both Doug and Stagehand drop off to sleep, though Mary notices only Dougie) Wow. (aside) I’m better at this than I thought! (to Dougie) Now go back in time…back…back…to the day when you were watching the Golden Movie. When I count to three and clap my hands you’ll wake up feeling very relaxed and remember everything. (she counts and claps, Doug and Stagehand wake up. Stagehand looks around confused and squinting.) Now, Douglas, are you awake?

Doug: Yes.

Mary: Are you relaxed?

Doug: Yes.

Mary: Tell me what happened to the Golden Movie.

Doug: Um…oh, I don’t remember! I don’t remember! Gosh Darn it, I’ll never remember!

Stagehand: Dougie? Is that you?

Doug: Quiet, Stagehand, I’m trying to remember!

Stagehand: Dougie! It’s me! It’s Unca Percy!

Doug: (looks at Stagehand, gasps) Unca Percy? Unca Percy! (turns to Mary awestruck) You brought back Unca Percy!

Minnie: Dougie? Dougie! What’s all the commotion about!

Stagehand: Minnie?

Minnie: Percy?

Stagehand: Minnie!

Minnie: Percy! (They rush to each others arms) Percy is it really you?

Doug: Mary-Mary made him come back by hypnotizing me!

Minnie: Oh, Percy! (They hug, the action on stage freezes as Olestra and Philbert enter from the back of the house. )

Olestra: Philbert! You ninny! How could you leave behind my favorite coat! Do you want me to freeze to death?!

Philbert: No, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: Were you expecting it to follow us out on its own?

Philbert: No, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: (gasps) Philbert! Look! Is that who I think it is?

Philbert: Yes, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: How can that be? Didn’t we get rid of him?

Philbert: Yes, Ms. Deville.

Olestra: Then how did he get here?

Philbert: I’m at a loss Ms. Deville.

Olestra: Shut up, Philbert! Chatter, chatter, chatter! I can’t think with all that chatter! Follow me! I’ve got an idea. (They go up the side stairs, action continues on stage)

Minnie: What happened to you, Percy? Where have you been for all these years?

Stagehand: I don’t know, Minnie, darling. I can’t remember.

Minnie: We’ve run out of money, Percy. The bank is going to foreclose.

Doug: We’re going to lose the studio!

Mary: Unless we find the Golden Movie.

Stagehand: The Golden Movie?

Minnie: Yes, dear. Your last movie. It disappeared when you did!

Mary: But you had another copy hidden somewhere in the studio! (everyone looks at her surprised) Um, didn’t you?

Stagehand: Why, yes I did.

Minnie: Well, where is it, dear?

Doug: Do you remember?

Stagehand: Of course, I do. It’s hidden where no one could ever find it. I put it in…(just then the lights go out, Dougie shrieks. We hear a struggle. In the darkness the scrim comes down. ) Who’s there? You! I told you never to set foot in this studio again! What are you doing? Who’s that behind you! (He grunts, a thud, and a maniacal laugh from Olestra. Silence for a moment as lights fade slowly up behind the scrim to reveal Douglas on his knees in same position as in the prologue, picking up Percy’s glasses and looking at them)

Doug: Unca Percy? Unca Percy!

Minnie: Oh, dear. Not again.

Dancing Snack Foods:

Let’s go out to the lobby,

Let’s go out to the lobby,

Let’s go out to the lobby,

And have ourselves a snack!

Let’s go out to the lobby,

Let’s go out to the lobby,

Let’s go out to the lobby,

And have ourselves a snack!